Difficult Seasons

Buttons to Match Your Outfit

As I drove home from visiting folks at M. D. Anderson this evening, the phrase that rang in my ears was one I heard a patient say this afternoon: “Cancer sucks.”  He had every right to say it.  And part of the reason it stuck in my mind was that some of the folks that I saw today had been ravaged by their particular brand of cancer.

This is not a word normally in my spoken vocabulary.  I shocked my whole family one day when I said it.  That’s because of the ambiguous meanings associated with the word.  So I want to make clear which definition this man meant, and the one that is used in the headline of this post.

Definition:  (colloquial) Term of general disparagement, to indicate that the subject or situation is unfortunately or unreasonably objectionable, and has no redeeming qualities.

That pretty much sums it up where cancer is concerned, at least physically.  But it’s also often true emotionally.  I do often get to see healthy spirituality alive in cancer victims, and I’m thankful for that.

There are no pretty words that describe cancer.  Saying cancer is unfortunate or even unreasonably objectionable doesn’t seem to communicate cancer’s effects very well either.  To say that cancer has no redeeming qualities seems like an unreasonably objectionable understatement.

Sorry, but I think we’re stuck with a colloquial word that is found objectionable in some circles.  But at least it honestly communicates some of the physical and emotional toll cancer exacts.  So yes, cancer sucks.

And if you want to wear a button or tee shirt proclaiming it, it’s fine with me.

Hospital

Okay, I got “tagged” by Jon Swanson, and my assigned task in the game is to write this post.  Like Jon, I’m not much for playing these internet games, but since he picked an easy list for me to make, and a good list for folks to know, I’ll play along this time.

1.  Wash your hands before you go into the room.  And when you come back out of the room.  It’s for your protection and the protection of the people you’re visiting as well.  Don’t help bugs move around.

2.  Knock gently on the door before you go in.  You’re entering what small bit of privacy the patient has left, and announcing your arrival is the least you can do.

3.  Introduce yourself and tell why you are coming in their room, “Just coming by to check on you.”

4.  Ask if this is a good time to visit.  You may be able to tell from looking around the room that medical personnel are busy doing a procedure, but even if no one else is there, it may not be a good time from the patient’s stand point.

5.  Tell them you care, listen to what they have to say, don’t tell your stories about hospitals, and keep your visit short (unless they want to talk and have you listen).

Okay, time to pass along the tag:  Steve Tucker, 5 things we don’t know about farming; John Dobbs, 5 things we don’t know about Louisiana; John Little, 5 surprising things about mountain climbing; Joyce Davis, 5 reasons mommies need cruises; and Jeremy Barrett, 5 characteristics of good coffee.

Dad in the Kitchen

During difficult seasons, we do need help from others.

Most of us pride ourselves in being able to handle things ourselves, to take care of what we need on our own.  When an event then shows up that rocks our world, and we are physically unable to do what we normally can on our own, it’s hard to accept help, much less ask for it.  It’s an admission that things are not right, that we are dependent.

I just watched my dad go through this due to his recent hernia surgery.  In fact, he made elaborate plans to make sure he had food and other necessities after the surgery so he wouldn’t have to ask for help.  He did accept a couple of offers to bring his food up to him for a couple of days, but he also had his refrigerator stocked with enough stuff he could just heat up to last for a week.  He didn’t want to feel dependent, to put other people out.  And he wanted to feel in control.

But he did figure out during this that letting people help is a good thing.  He actually was feeling better than he expected, and was able to go down and eat in the dining room as normal, but he let the people who had volunteered to bring his food do it anyway.  He recognized that getting to help him was good for them, that it made them feel good.

There’s an important lesson there for all of us.  While it is hard to ask for help, doing so provides a blessing for those that are allowed to provide the help.  They get to feel useful.  They get to express in a concrete way that they care.  They get that warm feeling that goes with doing something for someone else.

So ask for help, and be specific.  Give others the blessing that comes from being neighborly, from being sisterly, from being brotherly, from being family.

Don't say "You Should."

“You should…” is the last thing you want or should have to hear from friends and family during a difficult season.

Yet when our lives are in chaos because of the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship, a lost job, or a serious illness, it seems to be the natural reaction of those well-meaning folks who want to help us.  You see, it’s part of the faulty co-dependent gene that most of us have floating around inside us that makes us feel like it’s our duty to fix people.

But as this quote from Louise Hay says perfectly, the “You should” statements are extremely harmful — not helpful.

“You see, I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrong in our life.”

When we’re in difficult seasons, our lives are dominated by chaos and grief.  We’re simply not capable of accepting and acting on coaching or advice.  And that’s especially so when when the coaching or advice  points out that we are not handling things the way someone else thinks we should.  It just makes us feel worse.  Less adequate.  Less able to cope.

When you’re in a difficult season, you’re just trying to cope, to put one foot in front of the other, to get through it.

What you need and want is someone to be a quiet affirming presence in your life.  Someone to listen.  Someone who is interested in what it’s like to be in your shoes today.  Someone who intuitively knows what you need and provides it.

What you don’t need is someone who wants to fix you.  Someone who is uncomfortable with your pain and justs wants you to “be normal again.”  Someone who’s quick with the “You shoulds.”

So please, don’t say “You should…”  Do say, “I love you.”  Do say, “I care.”  Do say, “I’m here to listen if you want to talk, otherwise I’ll just hang out with you.”

Thanks to JJ Lassberg (@jj4tlr) for using the quote in her blog post yesterday which prompted this post!