Difficult Seasons

A Christmas Present

I’m pretty sure that Christmas can be the hardest holiday of all for many people.

I think it’s especially true for folks that have lost a child or a spouse, and for those who are divorced or in the process of being divorced.

Why? Here are a few reasons I’ll throw out for your consideration:

• Christmas is a season.  It’s not just a day that comes and goes.  The hype starts the day after Halloween, and builds to a frenzied pace beginning about the first of December.

• There are obligations tied to Christmas that you really can’t avoid.  There are presents to buy, events to attend/host, and decorating to do.

• Christmas is defined as “fun and happy.” We learn to anticipate fun and gifts and being happy as kids.  And all of this is associated with family.  We develop our own things to do and ways of doing them with those we love most.  So if they’re gone, whether through death or divorce, it’s not only not fun and happy, but we don’t even know how to do Christmas.

So what do you do if you’re in this situation?

The best that you can. You acknowledge that things are different.  You make some changes in how you celebrate Christmas.  And sometimes you have to act better to feel better.

What makes Christmas hard for you?  What ways have you found to cope?

Photo Credit: Dan A'Vard

Taking time and doing specific things to remember those we’ve lost is an important part of our ongoing healing process.

The church we’re part of has had a Service of Remembrance for a long time now during the Christmas season.  It’s a time for those of us who have lost loved ones, whether recent or in the distant past, to come together for a few minutes to remember.

There’s something powerful about gathering in community for this purpose.  Part of the power is the reminder that we are not alone in grieving the loss of someone precious to us.  We’re surrounded by others who are in the same boat.

But it’s also powerful to get to say the name of the person or persons that we’re remembering out loud as part of the group, something we do as part of the service.  For me, it’s both a way to honor those folks, as well as a reminder to me of how many dearly loved people have passed from our community’s life.

Our service is simple.  Some music, some prayers, lighting of a memorial candle and calling the names of those being remembered, some quiet reflection time, and some responsive readings from scripture.  But it’s comforting, and it’s important.

If you’re in the Houston area, you’re welcome to join us.  The service is in the chapel at First Colony Church of Christ at 4:00 pm on Sunday, December 21.  And if you’re not in our area and would like to attend a similar service, just check with your local churches or hospitals, as many groups host these events during the holiday season.

In place of my writing today, I thought you might enjoy a few of the places I’ve visited lately to see what others are saying.

Here’s a nice post from my new friend John Dobbs about a candle lighting ceremony they attending in remembrance of their son: http://johndobbs.com/?p=975

This post by Jen Zug includes a mixtape along with some reflections on why she’s having a hard time getting into the Christmas thing:  http://www.thispile.com/archives/mixtape-2-he-is-born

Ron Edmondson wrote this nice piece on how his interactions with folks serve as sober reminders of the preciousness of life:  http://www.ronedmondson.com/2008/12/sober-reminders.html

And another one of my twitter friends, Jon Swanson, wrote this challenging piece about considering what you want to be good at in 10 years:  http://levite.wordpress.com/2008/12/15/time-enough-to-change/

I’m thankful for what they teach me, and I think you will be too.

By the way, why don’t you join our conversations on Twitter if you haven’t already?  My i.d. is HughesJW.

Screenshot from Twitter

Now there’s a statement that will get your attention and make you wonder what kind of story is behind it!

I don’t know the story, but this was one of those Twitter “tweets” that caught my attention.  It’s the other side of the “Why me?” question.

Jay’s just pointing out that the fact that life isn’t fair cuts both ways.  Sometimes we end up getting the short end of the stick.  And sometimes we don’t get what we deserve.

As one fellow who had terminal cancer said when talking about this subject, “Why NOT me?”

It’s a fact of life that some good folks seem to get a raw deal in life.  And I know that I’ve said many times, “That just isn’t fair!”  But it is life.

And I’m thankful to Jay for throwing a reminder out there for us that sometimes the “Isn’t Fair” thing works in our favor.  And I’m grateful.

You can find Jay online at twitter or at his website.

A Church

It’s Friday morning, and I’m preparing to attend a memorial service in a little while for a man who had a problem with church.  He’s the father of a dear friend, and she and I talked several times about her concern for his relationship with God.

At memorial services, we like to talk about how faithful the one who passed was.  It eases our pain, and it expresses our hope.  We often judge how faithful someone has been by their involvement in a church.

I don’t know what really happened that caused this man to leave church.  I’ve heard the story, or parts of it, a couple of times.  It had something to do with a misunderstanding between church members.  Those happen all too often, because churches are made up of people.  You probably know someone who doesn’t do church because of something like this.  You may even be one of those people.

As my friend and I talked, we talked about how while faith in God and church involvement are related, sometimes events in our lives make doing church incredibly hard.  Her dad had been a man of strong faith, even considering entering ministry until the event caused him to leave church.

And we talked about the point C. S. Lewis made in his book Mere Christianity: what’s easy for some of us is incredibly hard for someone else, so we are not in a position to judge — only God is.  I don’t know what struggles her Dad had.  His faith life may have been the most he could muster, and in fact a great victory for him.  If so, God is applauding while we’re clueless.

So, at this afternoon’s memorial service, I’ll remember a man who raised a wonderful family, and a man who struggled with being part of church.  And I’ll be thankful for a God of mercy who takes into account our struggles as well as our accomplishments.