Difficult Seasons

Don't Make Promises

I’m not sure why we feel like we need to make promises when we visit people in the hospital.  But generally, we do, at least until we get some experience under our belts.

Maybe it’s because we want to do something nice for them.  Or maybe it’s because we want to give them something to look forward to.  Possibly, it’s because we want to help.  Perhaps it’s because we really plan to do whatever it is that we promise.

And just maybe, it’s because our minds shift us to doing something because it’s easier to deal with than being with someone going through a tough time.

For whatever reason, promises seem to want to slip out.  “I’ll be back to visit you.”   “I’ll call and we’ll have lunch when you get out.”   “I’ll … whatever.”

It’s so easy to make a promise.  “I’ll find you a sleep mask and get it to you” is one I made one time.  The lady was having a hard time sleeping because she’d lost her sleep mask, and I wanted to help.  Only later did it dawn on me that finding a sleep mask meant a special trip to a store, and getting the mask to her meant arranging for someone to deliver it in order for me to keep my promise.

I did get the mask to her, keeping my promise, but I learned a couple of important things from that experience:

• Even simple promises to someone in the hospital are easy to make, but can get hard to fulfill.  I need to stop and think long and hard before making a promise and be sure that I have the energy and resources and opportunity to fulfill it before I make it.
• While getting her the mask was a nice thing to do, it didn’t make me more effective in providing pastoral care, because I’d stepped out of the role of being with into the role of doing for.  Spiritual care (or pastoral care), at it’s core, is being with a person who is going through a difficult season.  When that’s done well, it requires all of our energy and focus.  When we mix doing with being, it detracts from both our energy and focus, and we run the risk of being less effective.

I’ve now accepted the wisdom of my mentors, and accepted the guiding principle, “Don’t make promises.”  And you know what?  I then recognized that patients are not expecting you to do stuff for them.  The gifts of presence and caring are more than sufficient.

Tags: hospital visits, promises

This entry was posted on Thursday, January 22nd, 2009 at 3:47 am and is filed under hospital visits. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.