Care Giving: Forget the “I’ve Become (Whoever’s) Parent.”
You don’t become your parent’s parent, or your spouse’s parent, or your sibling’s parent when you become their caregiver. We talked about why we don’t in the previous post. And we talked about what to do instead. But sometimes an actual story does a better job of making the point.
The wife had become the care giver for her husband.
Her approach to care giving was to attempt to make him do what he was supposed to do. She would remind him, then cajole him, then give him orders, then lecture him, and so forth.
And guess what? He would refuse to take his medicine or do his therapy or whatever.
She was quite upset by the situation, became clinically depressed, and started having medical issues of her own. And he’d just sit at home not wanting to do anything.
Her real breakthrough as a care giver came when she asked his doctor one day what was wrong with her husband, and the doctor said, “I think it’s you!” Over time, with effective mentoring and coaching and treatment for her depression, she stopped trying to make her husband take care of himself. And predictably, when she changed, he started taking responsibility for himself.
What happened here is actually simple. She had assumed the role of parent, so he assumed the role of the rebellious child. When she quit “parenting,” he quit rebelling.
I don’t know who came up with the phrase, “I’ve become my parent’s parent.” But my advice is to try to wipe that phrase, and more importantly, that concept of care giving, from your mind.
As a substitute, you might try replacing it with, “I’m honoring my parent.” Or, “I’m honoring my spouse.” Or, “I’m honoring my sibling.” Or, “I’m honoring whoever I’m caring for.”
DandyID
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