Difficult Seasons

Mary DeMuth has a site called Family Secrets, and Friday there was a post by Jen that had a lot to say about listening.  Turns out that I was teaching in a seminar for  pastoral caregivers  at Lifeline Chaplaincy on Saturday, so I took special note of what Jen had to say.

Here’s part of the original post Jen was responding to:

I have never been able to go some place and talk about my childhood without being accused of feeling sorry for myself or using others to get therapy sessions; when all I really needed was a friendly shoulder and/or prayers for the new feelings and pain I was experiencing.

Now, here’s what Jen added to the conversation:

You’re stealing someone’s story by either telling something of your own that correlates (to you at least) in order to give it value, thus telling the Teller that their experiences have no value beyond what you have felt or known, OR you are stealing the validity of that person’s feelings by offering a “solution.”

Anytime we listen to someone tell a story, one of our stories that is stored in our memory banks is brought to consciousness.  And that forms the basis of a lot of social conversation — I tell my story, you tell a related story, and we enjoy the time together.  And in a casual social setting, that’s perfectly fine.

But when a friend begins to tell you a story of trauma or illness, then your role in the conversation changes.  It’s time for serious listening, not for chit-chat.  Your story will still come to consciousness, but instead of telling it, use it to help understand something of what the story teller is relating to you.  Because when you tell your story in this kind of situation, you’re devaluing their story, making them not feel heard.  And this advice goes double to those of us who hear such stories in a pastoral caregiving setting.

People who have suffered abuse, those who have suffered trauma, and those who are struggling with severe illness deserve to be heard and their stories valued.  And those of us they honor with their trust need to recognize that we’re on holy ground.

This entry was posted on Sunday, April 26th, 2009 at 11:12 pm and is filed under Chaplaincy and Pastoral Care, Illness. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.