Difficult Seasons

In yesterday’s post, I recommended avoiding including people in your support community that are always saying, “You should…,” and people who always want to tell you their stories.

That’s because these people can be toxic to your well-being and/or to the the well-being of the person you’re caring for.

I realize that’s pretty strong language to apply to well-intentioned people, saying that they can be toxic.  But unfortunately, it’s accurate.

People who begin every conversation with the phrase, “You should…,” are saying, in effect, “What you’re doing (or not doing) now is wrong.  You should be doing what I think is right.”  When we hear that over and over again, we subconsciously and even consciously begin to believe it is true.  It’s like taking small doses of poison over a period of time.  Eventually it does it’s work on us.

The other group of people who have toxic effects on caregivers and on those suffering illness are those that tell story after story, either about their experiences or someone else’s experiences with something sort of like what you’re experiencing.  Sometimes these stories are told to offer hope, but more often, they’re about getting attention by telling a dramatic story of a bad decision or something gone wrong or a bad doctor or hospital or skilled nursing facility.  The implication is that you are headed in the same direction unless you listen to this person’s advice.

Certainly, we all need advice from time to time.  None of us are knowledgeable enough on our own to handle all situations.  But when we need advice, we are well served to seek that advice from professionals we respect who are experts in the area we need assistance in.  We then need to take their advice into consideration and plot a course of action.

When friends and acquaintances begin undermining our confidence in ourselves and our decisions, self-doubt and paralysis soon result.  And we become unable to be effective caregivers or deal with the medical issues those we are caring for face.

One of the boundaries you need to impose for your well-being is putting distance between yourself and these folks.

And if you’re someone who catches yourself frequently saying, “You should…,” or often wanting to tell dramatic stories to caregivers or people going through severe illnesses, please consider the effects of this behavior, and resolve to become more supportive.

Don't give advice.

Giving advice is a hard habit to break.

In the workplace, we’re often rewarded for having answers and suggestions.  In our interpersonal relationships, many of us feel that our value is being able to help people figure out what they need to do. And, in some of us, a codependency gene rises up and we think it’s our job to fix folks by telling them what they should do.

But when you make hospital visits, don’t give advice.

Don’t use phrases that begin:

“If I were you I’d …”

“What you should do is …”

“What you need is…”

“If you’d only … then …”

“I know a … who can …”

If the person you visit expresses frustration with the medical staff, listen to their frustration, and maybe ask if patient advocacy is being helpful in resolving the issues.  Don’t suggest that she change doctors or add to her frustration by chiming in with your opinions on the medical staff’s performance.

If he mentions problems with insurance or housing or parking, listen and make him feel heard.  Sometimes patients like to talk about these kinds of things as a way of getting rid of frustration with everything else that’s going on as well, and just being heard is enough.  If, however, it seems that the issues need further attention, you might ask if they are working with their hospital social worker, and how that’s going.

You see, it’s not our role to take on their problems and suggest solutions.  Hospital patients have a whole team of people who have the expertise to help them with medical issues, problems with the service they’re getting, and even with their needs for help with insurance companies, temporary housing, and paying for parking.

What they need from you and me as we visit them in the hospital is simply our caring presence, and a willingness to listen.

Photo Credit:  Laughlin