Difficult Seasons

A month ago, Mom and Dad would have celebrated their 66th wedding anniversary.  A few weeks ago was the sixth anniversary of my Mom’s death.  And earlier this week would have been her 84th birthday.  I’ve been observing the voluntary and involuntary grief emotions of my dad (and feeling them myself).

So Tuesday we spent a few hours together specifically for the purpose of remembering that another set of these anniversaries have passed.  Our agenda was to have lunch together, go buy some new silk flowers for the grave site, and then visit Mom’s grave.

We met for lunch.  Dad picked a place that he and I have eaten at frequently, a place we both enjoy.  We talked about family, and I showed him pictures of Madi and some I took when Ben first met Madi.  It helped to talk about new life even as we remembered that Mom was no longer with us.

Then we headed to a local store to buy silk flowers.  I suggested that we might see if they had bluebonnets and talked about how much she liked them.  Dad remarked that she sure liked to paint them.  As we looked, he decided that he would rather have roses, red roses.  So we searched until we found the perfect bunch.

As we drove out to Rosenberg to the cemetary, we talked about how much the area has changed over the last few years.  Thinking back on it, maybe it was symbolic of the change Dad has experienced the last few years.

At the cemetary, we walked over to the grave marker, and I helped Dad put the flowers in the brass vase.  Dad was happy with his flower choice, and thought they were just right.  As we looked at the dates on the marker, Dad opened his billfold (where he keeps all of his important information) and read some of the other dates about their life together.  Then he pulled his favorite picture of Mom out and we looked at it together, as he pointed out her smile.  We then told each other how much we missed her.  And he talked about how glad he was that we had made the visit.

Then we got back in the car and drove back to his apartment.

It was important to both of us that we shared this experience.  It was important that we said out loud to each other that we missed her.  And it was important that we acknowledged the clustered anniversaries that make this an emotional season.

How do you handle these anniversaries?

Special Dates

Our minds and hearts are built to remember anniversaries of important dates to those we’ve lost.  In fact if our conscious self doesn’t remember, our subconscious will do it for us, and poke at us in various ways until it becomes conscious.

A member of the caregiver support group I lead on Sunday mornings told us that her mother has a great way of handling those few days each year.

Instead of letting anniversary days sneak up on her and then spending the day feeling down, she does several intentional things.

1. She marks the dates clearly on her calendar in advance.
2. She dedicates those days to serving the needs of someone else.

She makes her plans in advance, and finalizes her preparations early.

Then on the anniversary day, she goes and spends the day with one of her friends who is shut in, or who is lonely.  She takes snacks, or even a light lunch for them to share.  She honors the memory of her loved one through intentional service.

She’s not alone on these potentially difficult days, and she’s found a way to get outside herself.

What an amazing woman!  And what a wonderful idea.

How can you build on this idea?  How can you use it to help your loved ones deal with their special days.