Difficult Seasons

Son by the Patient's Side

It’s easy to focus on the patient when you’re making a hospital visit.  After all, that’s the reason you went in the first place.

But it’s critically important to also focus part of your time and attention on family members who might be present during your visit.

Start by taking the time to introduce yourself to them, shake hands, and understand how they’re related to the patient.

Then as you’re conversing with the patient, involve the other family members in your conversation by making frequent eye contact with them and perhaps asking them an occasional question.

I nearly always inquire about how the family members are doing, about how they’re dealing with what’s going on.  I also generally try to inquire about whether they’re getting enough rest and taking care of themselves. Sometimes I even try to catch them when they’re out of the room so they can talk freely.

This isn’t just to be nice.

• Family members who are providing care for someone in the hospital are under a lot of stress, often much more than the patients themselves.  Often they’re sleeping in a chair in the room with the patient (if you can call that sleeping).  They may be eating off the patient’s tray, or grabbing something quick from the hospital cafeteria.

• And on top of that, the family members are the ones who are generally managing all of the information and details about the patient’s care, being an advocate for the patient with the hospital staff, and in many cases having to make decisions about that care.  In fact, someone who is in the hospital without a family member or friend to manage all the stuff and to be an advocate for them is in for a difficult time.

So as you’re ministering and showing love to a hospital patient, make it a point to do the same with their family members and friends who are attending them.

They, and you, will be blessed as a result.

Late

I got the late night phone call from my dad last night.

“Jim, I have this going on and I need you to come take a look. We may need to go to the ER.”

I’ve learned that at these times, the best thing for everyone is to just get up and go.  While he didn’t give me enough information to know if it was something serious, he was worried, and my physical presence would do more good than talking him through it on the phone.

By the time I was driving up to his retirement complex, he had called again, this time to tell me he didn’t think it was really anything that couldn’t wait until morning.  The worry hadn’t gone away that something was wrong, but the urgency of taking action had.  I told him I’d be there in just a couple of minutes.

Long story short, he was glad to see me, apologetic for bothering me, and because I had read about the surgical procedure he had this week, I knew that what he was worried about was a normal side effect, and not something requiring any action.

“Boy, I’m sure glad to know that,” was a phrase he said over and over, processing his relief that it was nothing serious.  “Boy, your ole dad sure does cause you a lot of inconvience,” he said a couple of times, to which I responded that he had a long way to go to even catch up with my kids, and we both laughed a little.

But I could tell that my trip and the personal time had relieved his fear and that he was grateful.

I’ve had more of those late night calls than I have wanted, and so far it’s true that more have come from our kids than my dad.  I don’t like them, but I know there will be more.

Sometimes, they can be handled well on the phone.  But most of the time, getting there in person is the best principle to follow.  Being face to face is reassuring for them, and for you.  And reassurance is always a good thing.

Love is caring more about another’s happiness than your own. After reading this article this morning about Randy Pausch, the Carnegie-Mellon professor struggling with Pancreatic Cancer and author of “The Last Lecture,” these words just stuck in my mind.

I started mentally testing out this definition. Is it true about the people I say I love? Is it true about the people who say they love me? How does it fit with John 3:16 which describes God’s love, or the two great commandments, “Love God,” “Love others?” Seems to work pretty well!

In fact, the more I thought about it, the more useful this short but practical definition of love became. I thought about how it applied to marriage, to parenting, to grandparenting, and it works. I thought about how it applied to caregiving, and found that it applies to lots if not all of the tough situations and decisions caregivers face.

I guess some would argue with the “caring more” part, wanting it to be more “caring as much.” And I probably wouldn’t quibble about that. And I know some would want to define “happiness” to give it their own twist (hopefully not “This is for your own good — it hurts me more than it hurts you!”). And I probably would quibble some with folks trying to do that.

It just seems to be to be a good working definition of love to apply every day to everyone. Now that’s the challenge!

Originally published in my personal blog on June 12, 2008