Difficult Seasons

A Christmas Present

I’m pretty sure that Christmas can be the hardest holiday of all for many people.

I think it’s especially true for folks that have lost a child or a spouse, and for those who are divorced or in the process of being divorced.

Why? Here are a few reasons I’ll throw out for your consideration:

• Christmas is a season.  It’s not just a day that comes and goes.  The hype starts the day after Halloween, and builds to a frenzied pace beginning about the first of December.

• There are obligations tied to Christmas that you really can’t avoid.  There are presents to buy, events to attend/host, and decorating to do.

• Christmas is defined as “fun and happy.” We learn to anticipate fun and gifts and being happy as kids.  And all of this is associated with family.  We develop our own things to do and ways of doing them with those we love most.  So if they’re gone, whether through death or divorce, it’s not only not fun and happy, but we don’t even know how to do Christmas.

So what do you do if you’re in this situation?

The best that you can. You acknowledge that things are different.  You make some changes in how you celebrate Christmas.  And sometimes you have to act better to feel better.

What makes Christmas hard for you?  What ways have you found to cope?

Thanksgiving Dinner

The Thanksgiving – Christmas holiday season is almost always really tough for those suffering loss.

These are family times, filled with family traditions, family gatherings, and family memories.  So a loss, whether it’s a death, broken relationships, a critical illness, a job loss, or something else, sticks out like a sore thumb.  It’s painful for everyone involved.

Part of the pain is the awkwardness of family gatherings.  The old normal is gone.

Often it’s hard for everyone involved to know how to handle the time together.  Do you risk bringing everyone down by talking about it?  Or do you just try to ignore that something has happened in hopes that you can get through the time together?

What do you do with the elephant in the middle of the room?

Everyone has to do what works for them and their family dynamics.  But here are a couple of ideas to get you started thinking about it:

• Some friends of ours set an extra two chairs at their Thanksgiving table, one for a dad who had recently passed, and one for a mom in the final stages of Alzheimer’s.  It’s their way of acknowledging the losses while asserting their continuing presence in spirit.
• We have made expressing some words of thanks for our parents who have gone on ahead a part of our own family Thanksgiving tradition.  It’s our way of acknowledging their continuing importance to our family.

I bet some of you have developed your own ways to deal with this time.  It would be great if you’d share them in the comments.