Difficult Seasons

Perspective is a big deal, no matter what we’re dealing with in our lives.

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For example, we can have cancer, and our perspective may be, “I’m dying of cancer.”

Or, we can choose to have a different perspective:  ”I’m living with cancer until I pass.”

This example is from an article in today’s Wall Street Journal discussing a program for helping cancer patients deal with their illness.  While it’s dealing with cancer patients being able to find meaning for their lives in the face of their illness, it has a lot of value for those of us facing other challenges.  I highly recommend that you read it.

With cancer, nearly everyone’s biggest fear is dying.  But it’s usually unspoken, unsurfaced even.  Once it’s surfaced, the fear can be dealt with.  One can choose to adopt a perspective that gives life meaning and purpose, that takes control away from the fear.

But this principle is much more widely applicable.

Any chronic illness — heart disease, diabetes, arthritis, and any of so many others — generates fears.  What if I have another heart attack?  What if I have to live in a wheel chair?  What if I …?

Your fear may not be from a medical condition, but from a situational condition.  What if I lose my lose the ability to live at the standard of living I’ve become used to?  What if I lose my job?  What if I …?

So what fears are you, or those you love, living with that haven’t been dealt with?

How could you, or could they, benefit from a change of perspective?

Worth some thought!

A big Aha! occurred to me yesterday during one of my visits with a hospital patient.

I had been visiting for quite a while with a woman, recently diagnosed with an aggressive type of cancer, and with her husband.  We had talked a little about the disease, but part of what was going on was that they hadn’t received a final diagnosis and treatment plan from the doctors yet, so there was anxiety about that.  And of course they were both still in shock that this was happening to them.

It was interesting that during the conversation, I’d ask the wife a question to give her the opportunity to talk about how she was doing with all of this, and before she could get started good, her husband would jump in and divert the conversation.  I could tell that she wanted to be able to tell me, and I could also tell that her husband didn’t want to see the pain that she might express — the purpose of his interruption.  So we talked lightheartedly about what was going on.  And he kept doing the same thing.

So as our visit reached the time for prayer, I looked to the woman, and saying her name, asked, “I want to know what you would like to pray about.”  And then I made eye contact with her husband to make sure he understood, and he did.  And here’s where the aha! came in:  when she hesitated a moment, I asked, “What is the one thing that is your biggest concern right now, the one thing we can pray about?”

Immediately, and with a voice full of emotion, she said, “Being able to deal with whatever comes.”

She had just named her biggest fear, the thing that she was struggling with most at that moment.  And the emotion in her voice told her husband and me how important that fear was, and how important it was to her to be able to say it out loud.

So that fear was what we prayed about, thanking God for His presence, and asking His help in dealing with whatever comes.

It’s a great privilege to pray with someone, and I want to do it in a way that honors both God and the person I’m praying with.  So I made a mental note to ask more often about the one thing people would like to pray about, the big thing they’re struggling with at that moment.  Praying specifically about the one big thing may be more meaningful for someone than praying about several more general needs and desires.

While visiting with a man yesterday who was in the process of dying, he asked me to pray with him and his family who had gathered to support him.  So as has become my practice, I looked him in the eyes and asked him what he’d like to pray about.

What he said was something like, “Pray that like Abraham, I’ll find a path.”  As I grasped the word picture he was painting for me and his family, I immediately heard the words my mom spoke to me years ago as she knew she was dying.  “I’m not afraid of dying, of what’s on the other side.  I’m just afraid of the process of dying.”

This minister of 40 years was helping us understand that he was on a journey into a foreign land, like Abraham, and that he didn’t know the way, but that he was wanting and trusting God to take his hand and lead him to his destination, the promised land.

Everyone fears the process of dying.  Even Jesus had anxiety about the process as he spent the night before his death in the Garden praying about it.  So it’s okay if we’re anxious, if we’re fearful.

Like Jesus, we pray about our anxiety, our fears.  And like this good man, we pray that God leads us through this unknown territory, showing us the way.

Late

I got the late night phone call from my dad last night.

“Jim, I have this going on and I need you to come take a look. We may need to go to the ER.”

I’ve learned that at these times, the best thing for everyone is to just get up and go.  While he didn’t give me enough information to know if it was something serious, he was worried, and my physical presence would do more good than talking him through it on the phone.

By the time I was driving up to his retirement complex, he had called again, this time to tell me he didn’t think it was really anything that couldn’t wait until morning.  The worry hadn’t gone away that something was wrong, but the urgency of taking action had.  I told him I’d be there in just a couple of minutes.

Long story short, he was glad to see me, apologetic for bothering me, and because I had read about the surgical procedure he had this week, I knew that what he was worried about was a normal side effect, and not something requiring any action.

“Boy, I’m sure glad to know that,” was a phrase he said over and over, processing his relief that it was nothing serious.  “Boy, your ole dad sure does cause you a lot of inconvience,” he said a couple of times, to which I responded that he had a long way to go to even catch up with my kids, and we both laughed a little.

But I could tell that my trip and the personal time had relieved his fear and that he was grateful.

I’ve had more of those late night calls than I have wanted, and so far it’s true that more have come from our kids than my dad.  I don’t like them, but I know there will be more.

Sometimes, they can be handled well on the phone.  But most of the time, getting there in person is the best principle to follow.  Being face to face is reassuring for them, and for you.  And reassurance is always a good thing.