Difficult Seasons

I think I underestimate the impact of just showing up in a patient’s room.

I know I’ve written and spoken about the importance of presence.  And I really do believe that just showing up is a really important part of what we do.  It’s just that I still underestimate its real impact.  I tend to think that the visits where I’ve had a deep conversation with a patient are where I’ve had real impact.

But a couple of recent incidents are helping me better realize the pure value of  presence.

Recently a colleague who visits the same patients a couple of days after I do told me, “Several people commented about how important your visits were to them this week.”

I tried and tried, and for the life of me, I couldn’t think of a single visit that week that I thought was worthy of that compliment.  It had been a week of visits without real engagement, without deep dialogue.

Then today, I entered a patient’s room and was greeted by name and treated like a lifelong friend.  I was surprised because my only visit with these folks had been last week when they were both trying to rest and in which we only exchanged a couple of sentences and had prayer.  I was probably in the room only three minutes total.

The only explanation is that there is simply a lot more impact on people from just showing up than I feel — even if it’s only for a couple of minutes and no real conversation happens.

I need to come to grips with the fact that what’s  meaningful to patients may be different than what seems meaningful to me.  God does amazing things with the simple act of being present, making a much greater impact that all of the listening and conversational skills I take pride in.  So why is it so hard for us to learn and accept this simple truth?

Just like I do 10 or 15 times on days I visit the hospital, I pushed the elevator button, and as the door opened and I stepped in, I made eye contact with the folks already there and asked, “How’s your day going?”

Usually there’s just some brief chit-chat about whatever, then the ride’s over for some of us, and we go about our business.

But this time, a woman I’d seen around the hospital for weeks met my eyes and said, “Not so good.  I lost my husband this morning.  We’re going up to the room to pick up my things.”

Words failed me.  And for good reason.  There was absolutely nothing I could say to help.  I knew it.  And she knew it.  So except for saying, “I’m sorry,” I said nothing.

We might tend to think this was a failed human interaction.  But I’d suggest to you that it wasn’t.

This woman, overwhelmed with her loss, chose to tell me about it.  Instead of just saying, “Okay.”

And as a result I’ve thought and prayed about her often since that day a few weeks ago.

We shared a few moments of life together.  And it had meaning.

In the sidebar under my photo, you’ll notice that I’ve published an e book on Making Hospital Visits.  It’s a collection of some of the things I’ve written about my experience in visiting hospital patients, an I’ve published it in hopes that it will be useful both to those who are experienced in making visits and also for those who have little or no experience.

It’s easy and free to download.  Just clicking on the link will open the e book as a pdf file, and then you can choose to save a copy from the menu and/or print a copy if you prefer.

I hope it blesses you in this important outreach to people in need.

And by the way, I’d appreciate any suggestions for improving the content or adding material to help you with things that have not been covered.

Praying

I am convinced that praying is the most important thing I do.

I’ve lived long enough, been through enough of life experiences, to understand that I’m not in control.  Further, I’ve learned that I’m helpless to fix all the things that are broken, that are wrong, in this life.

But through prayer, I can connect to the One who is in control and who has the ability to fix broken things.  Broken bodies, broken hearts, broken relationships, broken whatever.

Prayer is simply the way I deal with life, whether its joys or its disappointments or its unfairness.

So when I visit people in the hospital, I love to pray with them, to bring their desires which have become my desires to the God who cares and who can do something about them.

But before I do, I ask two questions.

1.  “Would it be okay if I prayed with you?”  You see, not everyone is comfortable praying, or it may just not be the right time, or they may not feel well enough at the moment.  I want to give them the opportunity to say no if that’s their desire, and if they do, I honor it.

2.  If they indicate they would like to pray, I ask what they’d like to pray for.  You see, my guess from our conversation might not be accurate.  Plus, there are often things that are weighing on them that may not have come up before that they’d like to include.

Then, if they’ve agreed, and after I understand what they’d like included, I word a prayer that includes to the best of my ability what we’ve talked about.  That’s the most common style of prayer from my faith tradition, and the one most of the folks I visit are most comfortable with.

You might choose to handle praying with a patient differently depending on your faith tradition and your level of comfort.  Sometimes simply praying the Lord’s Prayer together is perfect.  Many love the beautiful prayers from The Book of Common Prayer or another book of prayers.

But regardless of how you handle it, praying with someone you visit in the hospital is often the most powerful part of your visit, the time when you feel most connected, the time when most healing occurs.  And that just seems right.

Photo Credit: Judy Baxter

Story Telling

All of us tell stories.

What’s interesting is why, out of the tens of thousands of stories we each have stored in our brains, that we choose to tell a specific story at a point in time.

We don’t even think about it.  We don’t do an intentional search of all the stories to find just the right one.  Something someone says or something we smell or something we’re doing or something we’re experiencing triggers bringing the story to consciousness.  So we tell it.

We don’t usually give why we’re telling a specific story a thought.

But the interesting thing is that we’re telling the story because it has something to do with what’s going on in our life right now.

When you’re visiting with someone and they begin telling you stories, listen to them carefully.  If you take the story literally, you’ll probably miss what the person is really telling you.

Here are a couple of examples.

1.  A elderly man was hospitalized who was suffering from advanced cancer.  He told a visitor a story about an old tree in his back yard that was rotting from the inside out, and that he just didn’t know what to do with it.  If you as the listener took that story literally, you might want to suggest he engage a tree expert to help him.  But if you were listening for the story behind the story, you might ask the man if he perhaps was talking actually talking about his situation, and not about the tree.  (This story is from the book cited below)

2.  An older woman tells relatives a story about her youth, when her great uncle lost his mind and her parents had to build a cage around his bed to keep him from wandering off.  If you accepted the story at face value, you might just respond by saying, “I’m glad we have facilities now for helping families deal with relatives with dimentia.”  But if you knew that the woman telling the story was suffering from short-term memory loss, as her relative you might more appropriately respond, “I know you’re having some memory problems.  Is is possible you’re telling me this story because you’re afraid of what may happen to you?”  (This story is from my personal experience.)

The person telling the story hasn’t thought about why they’re telling it.  If you have a sufficient relationship with a person telling a story like this, and if you think you have some insight into why they might be telling it, and you’re comfortable doing so, you might help them consider what’s behind the story.  Doing so can be helpful to the person in processing what’s happening in his life, and can make him feel truly listened to.

To learn more about story listening, I recommend the book Listening and Caring Skills in Ministry: A Guide for Pastors, Counselors, and Small Groups by John Savage. The book also covers listening from a broader perspective, so will be a valuable addition to your library.

Photo credit:  Dave Gilbert