Difficult Seasons

M. D. Anderson

When I started making hospital visits, Paul Riddle who is Director of Spiritual Care for Lifeline Chaplaincy here in Houston, told me something that has stuck with me.

Chaplains generally make one of two mistakes.  Either their visit is too long, or their visit is too short.

Sometimes your mistake is painfully obvious.

A colleage told me of a time when she was visiting a patient and in the middle of the conversation he got up, pulled down the window blind, and announced he was going to sleep now.  He was more than ready for the visit to be over.

Sometimes a patient gives you a clue.  “I’d like for you to pray for me now.”  That’s usually polite shorthand for “Please pray and leave.”

Figuring out how long to visit with a patient is tricky, even when you’re trying to be very attentive to making that judgment.

I can’t tell you how many times a visit with a patient started awkwardly and I was sure it was about done when all at once they opened up  and initiated a deep, much needed conversation that lasted an extended time.  I’ve learned to give the patient a little time to warm up in case they have something on their heart they’d like to talk about.  Otherwise, I’m afraid I’ll make the “Too Short” mistake, and leave them before they have had the opportunity to talk about things that are important to them.

It’s just as important, though, not to stay too long.  For patients in serious condition, the visit may be taxing.  For people you really make a connection with, it’s easy to want to stay and continue the conversation.  So it’s important to make a judgment call and seek some feedback from them about when to end the visit.

“I’ve been enjoying our visit, but it may be time to bring it to a close.  Is there anything else you’d like to talk about before I go?”

Or,

“I’d be happy to pray with you in a few minutes if you’d like that.  What would you like to pray about today?”

These statements and questions signal that you’re sensitive to the fact that it may be about time to end the visit, but you’re giving the patient an opportunity to extend it if they have some additional things they’d like to put on the table.

So how long should your visit be?  Just long enough to meet the need of the person you are going to see at that moment in time.

Hospital Room

You lose a lot of important things when you’re a hospital patient.

Privacy:  People are in and out of your room day and night.  In fact, some studies show that an average patient has people come into their room 20 times a day.  You have to tell about everything, including your bathroom habits.

Modesty:  Hospital gowns are not made for modesty.  They’re made for the convenience of the medical staff.  They do a good job of making you want to stay in bed and out of the hallways.

Control:  From the moment you check in until the moment you get out of the wheel chair into your car after discharge, people are telling you what to do.  And that’s on top of realizing you’re not in control because of the disease that has put you there in the first place.

So when you go to visit someone who’s in the hospital, it makes a huge difference when you go out of your way to give her or him some of what has been lost back.

Knock on the door.  Ask if this is a good time to visit.  Introduce yourself unless you know the person well, and introduce yourself to others who may be in the room.  Ask if it’s okay to sit down.   Sit or kneel by the bed so you’re not towering over the person you’re visiting.  Keep your questions general instead of probing for specifics (they’ll tell you what they want you to know).  Excuse yourself if medical personnel come in to do a procedure that might compromise the patient’s privacy or modesty.  Ask if the patient would like to pray.  Ask what he or she would like to pray about.

These may seem like just common courtesies, but in fact, they are great, thoughtful gifts that you can give to patients.  You’re showing them respect.

ICU

There may be several good reasons for staying home when you’d like to or feel like you should visit someone in the hospital. By far, however, being sick is the Number 1 reason to stay home.

Monday, I visited four folks who were in ICU. Three of them were there because of pneumonia.  Cancer patients who are undergoing chemotherapy are very susceptible to infections of all kinds.  Their immune systems are compromised.  That means January is a time when many end up catching a bug that for them can lead to severe pneumonia.  So while it’s generally unusual for me to have an ICU patient on my list, this week there were four.

I don’t know where these folks picked up the bug.  I just know that I don’t want to be responsible for anyone catching one because I go visit them while I’m sick.

So, if you have a cold, a sore throat, the flu, or anything else that is catching, stay home.  People in the hospital don’t need the complications of these diseases in addition to the conditions they already have.

Hospital

Although it’s been 12 years since I spent time in the hospital with a heart attack, I remember who came to visit while I was there.

I don’t remember what they said.  I do remember that they were present.

The other time I was in the hospital was 25 years ago.  And yes, I remember who came to visit me that time too.  And no, I don’t remember what they said.

Making hospital visits, providing what experts call “Pastoral Care,” is about presence.

It’s not about saying the right thing.  Or about saying something profound.  Or about having answers to difficult questions.

It’s about being present with someone who’s going through a difficult season, and letting your presence demonstrate your caring and love for them.  And about showing the love of God for them by doing so.

Sure, you’ll have a conversation.  Hopefully, you’ll do more listening than talking.  But even if the whole visit only lasts two minutes and very little is said, your presence will be remembered long after your words are forgotten.

And if you just have to have something meaningful and profound to say while you’re there, try this:  “I care about you, and I wanted to come visit so you’d know.”

Entering the Hospital

Lots of things get in the way of our making hospital visits. Other than the physical challenges of time and making the trip, most have to do with our fears and emotions.

Some of these fears and emotions have to do with our own life experiences, and a visit to the hospital bringing unpleasant thoughts to the forefront of our consciousness.

For some of us, entering a hospital brings a wave of anxiety because of events we have experienced as hospital patients or with someone we love.  For some of us, it’s a specific hospital that brings back a flood of memories and emotions.  Park Plaza here in Houston is that way for me because that’s where Mom spent her last days on Earth in Hospice.

Many of our fears are about our competency to say the right thing, to be helpful and not hurtful.

Others have to do with uncertainties of being in a strange-to-us environment.

And some have to do with the unknown of what we’re going to find or experience while we’re there.

So how do we control or overcome our fears and emotions so that we can make the visits? Here are some ideas.

1.  Ask someone more experienced to go with you.

2.  Stay focused on the person you’re going to visit, and their needs.

3.  Attend some good training.  Most larger hospitals and many chaplaincies provide training opportunities.  Here’s a link to one training program offered by Lifeline Chaplaincy.

4.  Do some self-learning through reading books or articles (or blogs).

5.  Just do it, as experience is a great teacher.

And of course, keep reading this series of posts about making hospital visits.