Difficult Seasons

When we have suffered a loss and as we move through the grieving that follows, we often express in words what we’ve lost.

Twitter Post by Karen Putz

I was reminded that sometimes how we describe our loss surprises others when I saw this Twitter post by Karen Putz (@deafmom) earlier this week.  Karen’s dad has esophageal cancer, and hasn’t really been able to eat normally for the last couple of months.  So in retrospect, his response to the doctor is right on, but it probably surprised everyone when he said it.

As we’re grieving a loss, we tend to express that loss in ways that are highly personal to us — in ways that truly describe what we miss dearly, and would like to have back.  It’s part of the longing for phase of grief.  Karen’s dad longs to be able to eat his wife’s cooking again — both because it’s good, and because that would mean that he’s dealt successfully with his cancer.

One of my favorite questions while visiting patients in the hospital has become, “What one thing are you praying for today?”

I ask that question for lots of reasons.  It helps me target my prayer with the person to pray specifically for what they want most that day.  There’s often a powerful connection between us as we join together in prayer with the words, “God, my prayer is _____ ‘s prayer.”  And it often provides an opportunity to talk about the real issue the person is struggling with that day.

Karen’s post reminded me of a recent visit.  When I first entered the room, most of my conversation was with the patient’s husband.  The patient was having some pain, and just wasn’t engaging.  But when I asked her if she’d like to pray, and specifically what her biggest request was, she jumped in and took over the conversation.  Her request was simple:  ”I want to be able to go back home and take care of my 101-year old mother, and help my sister get there so she can help.”  It represented both what she had lost, and what was important to her.  As we prayed together, she verbally reinforced my words with her “Amen’s” and “Yes, Lord’s.”

It was a special moment for all of us.  Her greatest desire had been heard and then expressed in prayer.

Karen’s post is one reason I’m active on Twitter — I’m always learning, and often being reminded of what’s important.  Asking good questions like Karen’s dad’s doctor did is important.

Thanks for the Twitter post, Karen.  And I am praying that your dad gets to eat your mom’s good cooking soon!

Grieving

Ever heard words like these coming out of your mouth about someone you need to care for?

Statements of disbelief (denial):  I really don’t believe she’s suffering from dementia.  If they’d just do this procedure, she would be fine.  He doesn’t really need skilled nursing care.  This isn’t going to affect my ability to have a normal life.

Statements of Anger:  I can’t believe the doctor didn’t get it all while he was in there!  Those people just aren’t doing their jobs.  If  God really loved me, He would fix this right now.

Statements of Longing or Bargaining:  I wish I could just sit down and talk to her like before her Alzheimer’s  got so bad.  If we could just find some doctors that really understood, everything would be fine like before.  I miss being able to just take off and leave town on a whim.

Statements describing depression:  I haven’t slept all night in three weeks.  I’m sleeping all the time, and I’m still exhausted.  I’m eating all the time.  I can’t eat — I’m not hungry.  I cry at the drop of a hat.

Statements of acceptance:  We’ve made plans for help with dad’s care to allow us take care of ourselves.  Mom’s condition isn’t going to improve, but we are working with her to find ways to improve the quality of her life.  There have been some definite changes in dad’s condition and we’re getting help for them.

These are statements that can describe the emotions of grief. In fact, they’re common statements I’ve heard from care givers I’ve worked with.  And I’ve made several of them myself in times of loss.

When your parent, spouse, child, or friend loses their health, their independence, and/or their ability to care for themselves, the person and everyone that loves him enters grief.

As a care giver, you’re certainly grieving their loss of ability to care for themselves.  But you’re also grieving the fact that you’ve lost at least part of your independence and freedom and taken on additional responsibilities and duties.

Grief is the normal reaction during such life changes.  In fact, it’s the healthy reaction, one given to us by God.  Grief helps us hold on to what’s been lost until we’re ready to move on.  And it helps us heal.

Tell me about your experiences with grief during care giving in the comments.  It’ll help us all.

Photo Credit:  Brian Leon

Any time we encounter change — and becoming a care giver is definitely a change — we go through a change process.

Here’s a simple diagram I’ve adapted to help explain the process we go through.

The Change Process of a Difficult Season

We’re happily going along in normality when an event comes along — in this case becoming a care giver — and everything changes.

Suddenly things become chaotic. The emotions of grief show up because we’ve lost our old normal.

Sometimes we’re in denial or disbelief, sometimes we find that we are angry, other times we are filled with longing for the way things used to be, and then we’ll find ourselves feeling quite depressed.  And off and on, we’ll be accepting of the changes that have occurred.  Actually, we’ll generally feel all of these emotions at the same time, but one will tend to be stronger on any given day than the others.

And guess what?  Everyone touched by the change is going through the same stuff.  Except on any given day, different people may be in different places emotionally.  It’s true for the caregiver’s family, and it’s also true for the care receiver.

Just understanding that the chaos is normal and that the grief emotions are normal helps. It provides a framework for naming what you’re feeling.

How long will this last? It depends.  How big is the change?  How disruptive is it?  How serious is what’s caused the change?  How long is the caregiving responsibility going to last.  How difficult is it to achieve a stable caregiving arrangement?

What you can be certain of is that the time of chaos will end, and you’ll emerge into a time of new normal. You don’t go back to the old normal because it doesn’t exist any more.  You bring your new experiences with you into the new normal.

Four years ago we were visiting with Dad when a change event happened and I became his care giver.  We’ll talk about that next.