Difficult Seasons

“I know there are many people who have experienced more terrible things,” Yoon said. “But, please, tell me how to do it. I don’t know what to do.” Quote from CNN News story about the man who lost his family in a recent military jet crash into a home in San Diego.

The truth is, none of us know how to do it, how to handle the aftermath of a shocking loss.  Mr. Yoon lost his wife, two children, and his mom when an F-18 crashed into their home in San Diego.  His loss was not just his family, but the knowledge of even how to proceed, how to take a next step.

Those of us who have been through any kind of loss can understand what he was saying.  Those who have been through a sudden, shocking loss can understand even better.

Grief strikes us, and renders us almost incapable of taking a step.  We don’t know which way to go, what to do.  Yes, there are arrangements to be made for funeral services, and there are folks who will help us navigate that process.  But beyond that, grief is a mystery.

I’m hoping that someone has stepped up to sojourn with Mr. Yoon as he goes through his grief.  Maybe someone who has been there, and has some understanding from experience.  Maybe someone who has helped others navigate the grief journey.  Not someone who will give him a formula, but someone who will listen, who will give him a hug, who’ll be present during the difficult days.

After all, grief is an individual thing, and no one can tell us how to do it.  We just have to experience it in our own way.

But having someone to walk alongside of us, someone that offers us hope that there is a light at the end of this dark tunnel, is life giving.

Photo Credit: João Almeida (t3mujin)

People all around us, people that we meet up with any given day, are hurting.

Sometimes we know.  Sometimes we’re unaware.  But chances are, a number of the people you rub shoulders with today are struggling with a loss.

Yesterday morning when the alarm woke me, one of my first thoughts was of a friend whose dad was in his final days of a long struggle with Alzheimers, and I prayed for her family.

Arriving at church, I expressed my sorrow to a man who sits near us over the death of his dad this past week.  He talked about how he had expected it, just not right now, and that it was a shock.  His wife mentioned the shock of her mom’s death seven years ago even after a long illness, noting that we’re never prepared.

Across the room I caught a glimpse of another friend whose brother also had died this past week.  And during prayer time, a family I know came for prayer about a mom losing a long battle with cancer.

They, and lots of others I know of, are hurting.  And I and others are able to provide support, express concern, and lift them in prayer.

But what about the others, the ones that have the same hurts, but that I’m unaware of?  That you’re unaware of?  People who are carrying their pain all by themselves?

They just need someone that will show the interest to ask.  And someone that will take the time to listen.  It’s not that they want to carry it all by themselves.  They just need for someone, you or me,  to show that we’re interested and really want to know how they’re doing.

So who is it you’ll rub shoulders with today that’s in pain?  Who is it that you’ll rub shoulders with today that you’re the one uniquely positioned to serve by asking and listening?

Thanksgiving Dinner

The Thanksgiving – Christmas holiday season is almost always really tough for those suffering loss.

These are family times, filled with family traditions, family gatherings, and family memories.  So a loss, whether it’s a death, broken relationships, a critical illness, a job loss, or something else, sticks out like a sore thumb.  It’s painful for everyone involved.

Part of the pain is the awkwardness of family gatherings.  The old normal is gone.

Often it’s hard for everyone involved to know how to handle the time together.  Do you risk bringing everyone down by talking about it?  Or do you just try to ignore that something has happened in hopes that you can get through the time together?

What do you do with the elephant in the middle of the room?

Everyone has to do what works for them and their family dynamics.  But here are a couple of ideas to get you started thinking about it:

• Some friends of ours set an extra two chairs at their Thanksgiving table, one for a dad who had recently passed, and one for a mom in the final stages of Alzheimer’s.  It’s their way of acknowledging the losses while asserting their continuing presence in spirit.
• We have made expressing some words of thanks for our parents who have gone on ahead a part of our own family Thanksgiving tradition.  It’s our way of acknowledging their continuing importance to our family.

I bet some of you have developed your own ways to deal with this time.  It would be great if you’d share them in the comments.

Don't say "You Should."

“You should…” is the last thing you want or should have to hear from friends and family during a difficult season.

Yet when our lives are in chaos because of the loss of a loved one, a broken relationship, a lost job, or a serious illness, it seems to be the natural reaction of those well-meaning folks who want to help us.  You see, it’s part of the faulty co-dependent gene that most of us have floating around inside us that makes us feel like it’s our duty to fix people.

But as this quote from Louise Hay says perfectly, the “You should” statements are extremely harmful — not helpful.

“You see, I believe that should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrong in our life.”

When we’re in difficult seasons, our lives are dominated by chaos and grief.  We’re simply not capable of accepting and acting on coaching or advice.  And that’s especially so when when the coaching or advice  points out that we are not handling things the way someone else thinks we should.  It just makes us feel worse.  Less adequate.  Less able to cope.

When you’re in a difficult season, you’re just trying to cope, to put one foot in front of the other, to get through it.

What you need and want is someone to be a quiet affirming presence in your life.  Someone to listen.  Someone who is interested in what it’s like to be in your shoes today.  Someone who intuitively knows what you need and provides it.

What you don’t need is someone who wants to fix you.  Someone who is uncomfortable with your pain and justs wants you to “be normal again.”  Someone who’s quick with the “You shoulds.”

So please, don’t say “You should…”  Do say, “I love you.”  Do say, “I care.”  Do say, “I’m here to listen if you want to talk, otherwise I’ll just hang out with you.”

Thanks to JJ Lassberg (@jj4tlr) for using the quote in her blog post yesterday which prompted this post!