Difficult Seasons

The third portion of information written by the wife of a man who took his own life one month ago appears below.  These paragraphs give some very practical, positive things we can do to help people who are grieving.  (Here are links to Part 1 and Part 2.)

Give me a hug. I need human touch. Tell me things will be okay someday in the distant future. I need to hear that there is hope. Remind me that God is near. Remind me that God does care about my family and me. I want to believe it.

Write me a letter to share your thoughts/experiences with me. I can read letters again and again until I understand. Don’t be offended if I screen my phone calls. I don’t always feel like talking. If you know I’m having a hard day, show up at my house. Just sit with me. We don’t have to talk. Just sit with me and remind me that you are there for support. Don’t ask me to tell you what I need you to do. Just find something, and do it. Take my children out for the day. Mow my yard. Help me clean out a closet or sort through his things.

Give me a call just to let me know you are still thinking about and praying for our family. Or send me an email. I think and can respond on my own time.

Send a card. At first, there were so many cards. Now, not so many. But…the cards I receive now mean that people still care. People are still praying for our family. I have a difficult time with prayer right now. It’s nice to know someone out there is praying for us.

Feel free to invite me to an activity. I will probably go – and be glad not to have to worry about planning/arranging it. It will allow me to forget for awhile. If I really don’t feel up to it, I’ll tell you.

Just be around. Be around, not to find out information – just to be a friend. If I share something personal, don’t share it with others. Don’t betray my trust or I will never share again.

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Continued tomorrow

The words below come from the wife of a man who took his own life, and who is sharing her thoughts and feelings to help others of us understand what her grief journey is like.  I’m thankful to her for sharing.  I know that many of you join me in praying for God’s blessings in her journey, and for the healing that only He can provide.  (Here’s part 1 if you missed it.)

I feel guilty all the time. I think about what I should have done differently all. the. time. It’s like a movie that plays again and again. I keep trying to re-write the ending. Don’t add to my guilt and ask me why I didn’t (fill in the blank)? I don’t know why I didn’t do things differently. I wish I had done things differently. I wish I had been able to. I wish I could have stopped him. I think about the what ifs all the time. I constantly wish for a do-over. But wishes don’t bring him back. I can’t have a do-over. Don’t add to my guilt please. Hindsight is 20/20.

I know my husband wasn’t perfect. I know you may have heard about some of the things that happened before he died. I am torn. You can tell me how it makes you feel, that’s fine. I’ve felt just as angry, believe me. But, he was a human being, with a life, a soul. I loved him. I plan to emphasize the positive aspects of my husband’s life to my children. It does them no good to hear the negative. They are a part of him too. I don’t want them to think that a part of each one of them is “bad”. So keep the comments about my deceased spouse positive in front of my children. They only have memories now. Let’s make the memories good ones. (Sometimes, I might want to share some of the difficult memories with you privately. Don’t act shocked. Don’t judge me for the things I say or the way I feel.)

I am fearful about the future. Can I do it alone? What if I try and I fall on my face? Who will help me then? My whole future changed in one instant. I mourn the life I once imagined. The advice that I need to “get on with my life” usually comes from people who are still married to their spouse of 30+ years. I resent that advice. Don’t tell me to “move on” or “get over it”. Don’t tell me how I should feel. Tell me that you will be willing to listen to me when things are tough. Make no judgements.

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Continued tomorrow.

Visiting the Hospital

One of the reasons we like conversing with others is that we get to tell our stories.  In fact, if we don’t get to tell our stories because the other person monopolizes the conversation, we’re unlikely to seek out that person for a conversation again.

But when you visit someone in the hospital, don’t tell your stories.

Listen to their stories instead.  You’re there for them, not for you.

They’re going to say things that trigger your stories.  Your stories might be about when you were in the hospital, or your aunt was in the hospital, or about your experience with a doctor, or whatever.  And they might be good stories…for another time.

These kinds of stories will not be helpful to the person you’ve gone to visit.  In fact, they might be disturbing.

Do pay attention to what stories are brought to your consciousness, however.  They help you empathize and connect to the person you’re visiting.  Just don’t tell them.

It turns out that listening is the greatest gift we can give someone, especially when they’re in the midst of a difficult season.  So just ask questions, listen and be curious, and bless them.

This may be the hardest part of making a hospital visit.  But I promise you, the more you practice it and see the results, the more determined you’ll become to be a first-class listener!